


No Relation

by Imaginative_Spirit



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Implied/Referenced Incest, Inspired by the Worst Take I Saw Today, M/M, Sort of a meta fic I guess?, There's NO ACTUAL INCEST THAT'S THE JOKE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-02-23 06:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imaginative_Spirit/pseuds/Imaginative_Spirit
Summary: “People are saying we’re related.”Cloud spat out his coffee.
Relationships: Sephiroth/Cloud Strife
Comments: 76
Kudos: 464





	No Relation

**Author's Note:**

> Some geniuses over on twitter decided that sefikura is now banned because it's... apparently incest?? I found this take so mind-numbingly stupid that I laughed at it for several hours and then I proceeded to write something stupid about it because uhh... idk. Enjoy. (Or don't, lmao)

“Cloud.”

At this point, Cloud should be used to Sephiroth randomly manifesting in his house, but hearing that sudden, deep voice speak up behind him still caught him off guard. He nearly dropped his mug of coffee, and swore when some of it spilled on his new carpet. Fuck, he really wasn’t in the mood for a battle to the death that eventually devolved into hate sex right now.

“It’s a bit early in the morning for a fight, don’t you think?” he declared, taking another sip of coffee before setting his mug down on the table and turning to glance over his shoulder at Sephiroth, who was brushing feathers off his coat. His wing had knocked a flowerpot over when he manifested. Dammit, not again.

“People are saying we’re related.”

Cloud spat out his coffee.

“ _What_?!”

“You heard me the first time”, Sephiroth remarked dryly and moved closer, leaning over Cloud’s shoulder way into his personal space. “There are rumours going around that the two of us are related. Brothers, to be precise.”

“But… what… how?” Cloud was too dumbfounded to form a proper sentence. “ _Why_?”

“Who am I to say?” Sephiroth scoffed, pulling away from Cloud. “Rest assured, I intend to track down the one who started this atrocious rumour and allow them to become intimately acquainted with Masamune.”

Cloud rolled his eyes. It was probably Yuffie. It was always Yuffie. Or maybe Reno. Now, how Sephiroth had caught wind of the rumour was another question in itself – he didn’t expect the Calamity’s son to be one for gossip. But the unhinged look in Sephiroth’s eyes was far too familiar, so he decided to focus on that for now.

“Sephiroth, we’ve talked about this. That’s not a valid reason to murder someone.”

“I’m going to defend your honour. How is this not valid, Cloud?”

“Nobody’s going to believe a bullshit rumour like that anyway! What do I care? We don’t look anything alike!” Cloud leapt to his feet and caught some of Sephiroth’s hair in an iron grip before Sephiroth could decide to make a run for it and go on a murderous rampage. “Tell me. Is there a single believable reason that could actually convince someone that we’re siblings?”

“Mother’s cells do run through both of our veins…”

“Oh, really now?” Cloud huffed. “By that logic, every single other SOLDIER would be our sibling too. What about those friends of yours – Genesis and Angeal? Weren’t they basically _married_? They both had Jenova cells too! And… Zack! You mean Zack would be my brother too?” He grimaced. “He better not be.”

“You seem to be getting very passionate about the subject. I thought you said you didn’t care.”

“I just…” Cloud released Sephiroth’s hair and sat down in his chair again. He grabbed his mug and took another sip of coffee. It had gone cold. “No. No, no, no. Jenova isn’t even our mom anyway. My mom’s Claudia, yours is Lucrecia. My dad, I don’t exactly know, he died when I was little, and yours…”

“Don’t remind me of my human parentage”, Sephiroth muttered and sat down on the kitchen table instead of using one of the chairs like a normal person. Cloud was tempted to push him off. “Who knows, maybe your mother lied, and we actually share a father.”

“Now wouldn’t that be a conspiracy theory, but would you kindly refrain from discussing that bastard in my house?” Cloud murmured, sighing in annoyance as Sephiroth’s wing swept across the table and knocked another poor flowerpot to its certain death.

“You’re the one who brought him up first.”

“Why the hell are you going along with it all of a sudden anyway?”

“Playing the devil’s advocate. Now Cloud, would you not agree that blood is not the only thing that makes a family? Your children… they are not yours by blood, are they? Who’s to say we’re not the same?”

“Ugh”, Cloud said. It really was too early in the morning for this, and he really didn’t care for Sephiroth bringing Denzel and Marlene into this. “You’re no family of mine.”

“How come? What if I decide to consider you my brother regardless?” Sephiroth shifted around on the table to turn towards Cloud. One of his legs ended up in Cloud’s lap. Cloud glared at it.

“Well, uh… First off. Not actually related by blood, as we’ve established.” He pushed Sephiroth’s leg off his lap. “Second. Our relationship is nowhere close to brotherly, are you kidding? Nobody would buy that you see me as a brother.”

“I wouldn’t know”, Sephiroth purred. “I haven’t had a brother before.”

“If you really thought of me as a brother, you wouldn’t be constantly giving me bedroom eyes… or fucking me stupid, for that matter.” Sephiroth’s leg was back in his lap. Cloud made sure to meet his gaze – there they were, the bedroom eyes – as he pushed it off again. “See? You’re proving my point.”

“What’s a little physical affection between siblings?” Sephiroth murmured, lips curling into a smirk. “Don’t you want your big brother to give you what you need?”

“I’m not going to let you fuck me today if you ever talk to me like that again.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want to.” Sephiroth threw his head back in a dramatic gesture. “Maybe I only came here to fight you to the death.” He flicked his wrist and managed to strike Cloud’s coffee mug, spilling the rest of its contents all over Cloud.

“Hey! What the hell?” Cloud glanced down at his shirt in dismay. There had still been enough coffee left to leave him completely soaked.

“Oh, how unlucky”, Sephiroth deadpanned. “Now you’re going to have to take those off.” He slid off the table in one fluid motion, and before Cloud knew it, Sephiroth was already all over him, nuzzling Cloud’s neck and slipping his hands under Cloud’s shirt. Cloud wasn’t sure when Sephiroth had found the time to take his leather gloves off, but his bare hands were really cold.

“Right. You totally wanted to fight. You didn’t come here for any other reason at all.” It was kind of hard to keep his cool when Sephiroth’s hot breath was so close to his face.

“You got me”, Sephiroth purred in his ear. “I only came here to spend some quality time with you, Cloud…” His hands slipped lower. “My adorable little brother.”

“Sephiroth, for fuck’s sake, just _shut up_.”


End file.
